it goes

Because of my schedule at work and its basic inflexibility, I've had to give up being in the show, something which I'm just sort of trying not to dwell upon too much. It's useless to do so, anyway.

But, one positive thought... I did renew an acquaintance which might, with a little luck and effort, expand a bit- an interesting girl who I first encountered in the young adult circle at church. During our few meetings before, I was reasonably sure she disliked me (moreso than the usual utter-lack-of-interest that I usually sense from casual interactions with people my age) but this seems as though it may not be the case. From some preliminary conversations, it sounds like we have some points of upbringing and tastes (classical music, music in general integrated with lifestyle, austere mode of living that isn't solely due to poverty) in common. I was not left, afterwards, feeling as though I had again exposed myself as a freak for having mentioned one or two genuine opinions, so it seems worthy of consideration for that point alone.

I suppose the most surprising moment came when we were talking about past roles we had played, and I told her about the last play at college, where I was Horatio to Eric's Hamlet. And she said it was one of her favorites, a great role, and that she at times had been Horatio for others, and had a few Horatios in her life as well. For all the discussions I've ever had about the play and the character, I had not heard someone say exactly that about themselves or others, except in my own thoughts, where I have alternately wondered and given up wondering why that is always the role I seem to play in my friendships, if they have the chance to grow at all deep. It may be as simple as ensuring that it is my giving that matters, so that I develop no dependence upon receiving or vulnerability to the inevitable withholding. I am envious of those who are able to grow confident of others' loyalty or commitment, at least while other factors make the friendship feasible, and I envied her briefly for saying she had been able to have it both ways. But maybe I could learn something from her.

The difficulty with interesting people is that they typically have no more room in their lives for newcomers who don't immediately serve any specific purpose, and I'm not the sort who can make more than one or two attempts to clear some space for myself on the off-chance that we might get along as friends. I don't mind setting aside my pride a little bit in order to take the first step, especially since I know from experience that no one will be doing it for me unless they are male (usually) and want something. Past a certain point, though, it's just embarrassing. I'm a little weary at the moment of being embarrassed in that way, written off, politely ignored. So I suppose we'll see.